“It was in the middle of the night, I was curled up in bed, waiting for my mom to snuggle with me. She’s been there a long time, still in that bathroom. What’s taking her so long?” Suddenly, I hear sirens.. shortly after, I hear loud thump of heavy shoes… the thuds were getting louder and louder, then a knock on the door of our house! What the….?
We live in a small condo complex; there are neighbors on both sides of our unit and one above our unit. The men were so noisy, I thought these men shouldn’t knock too loud, they’d attract the neighbor’s attention.
My mom, her face ashen, scrambled to open the door to let those heavy-footed strangers in. When the door opened, I saw them huge and burly men, noisy, although I think they know what they’re doing. All their attention was on my mom. I was filled with fear, so much so that when there was an opening by the door I sneaked out and went under the safety of the bushes to wait out until things calm down. Oh Lord, what could be the problem?
The next thing I know, I see those men again leaving, my mom lying on a contraption with wheels, out of our house. I wanted to ask her, where she was going, but I was so overcome with fear. I guess I won’t be sleeping on a warm bed tonight.
Nor did I sleep on a warm bed the next night, and the next night for a long, long time. My mom never came back. And I was on my own.
It was quite difficult at first. I had to come out from the safety of the bushes to look for mice, insects, creepy crawlies. Then I learned how to climb trees and find nests. I guess I could call myself lucky to find sumptuous meals as bird’s eggs or a newly hatched bird occasionally. Now that’s a real treat!
I learned how to yowl pitifully. Those humans are easy. I start crying out a haunting “meooow,” “meooow” like I was lost and hungry. Or I think back to the day I lost my mom, because she did, and I miss her. Suddenly, these humans of all shapes, sizes and colors: white-skinned, dark-skinned, brown-skinned, old, they’re all alike: they always have something for me when they see me on their patio. Soon enough, it wasn’t that difficult anymore. I practiced that pitiful look on my face, sucked in my cheeks so they look hollow, pleading eyes, perfect! I make my rounds and bingo, dinner’s ready.
My tasks done, my belly full, all I have to do is groom and make sure my scent is everywhere. Oh by the way, I have to be “out there”, make myself visible. So I stay and wait by the condo complex parking lot by 4 to 5 o’clock, and when these humans see me waiting for them, boy, they’re all over me. They’d scratch the side of my face, my chin; I try to look cute for them. Sometimes. I rub my face on their stinky shoes. Hah, the things I do for free cat food, it’s disgusting! But a feline’s got to do what she has to do.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
SHE ASKED FOR 3 YELLOW ROSES
May 9th was Mother’s Day, Aunt Rose asked for 3 Yellow Roses from my cousin Mel. Hi my name is Raquel Rivera Ford; Mel and I are just 2 of Aunt Rose’s 18 nieces. Aunt Rose also has 18 nephews. Big family, huh? And she was the youngest of 9 children. Altho Aunt Rose was single she took care of lots of little nephews and nieces, most of whom are gathered here tonight. By the way, Mel never gave her the Yellow roses she had asked for: There weren’t any to be found.
Around that time in May she was going thru a rough period. The physical symptoms of nausea, vomiting, pain, shortness of breath, loss of weight, and loss of appetite, all these she managed quite bravely. It is the other symptoms: fear, the pain of leaving her precious great nephews and nieces, her work at the county, and what about the children back in the Philippines whom she is paying tuition for school? All these were uncertainties of her future, and most especially not knowing whether when and how she is going to die, or whether her soul is spiritually ready. All these thoughts she takes with her in her sleep each lonely day, in the endless dark nights of her soul.
I remember Aunt Rose, as she tries to show up for any of our family gatherings. We know she will always be late because she never takes the freeway. The thought of driving the sidestreets from Glendale to Torrance or Redondo Beach where the celebration might be is enough suffering for that matter not to mention that she has to leave her house earlier than most of us. So even if she is late she is already forgiven!
She asked for a yellow rose last Mother’s Day. . The color Yellow speaks of trial and purging. From the color yellow we find its counterpart in the principles of gold. Fire which is always used in the purification process also
comes in the category of yellow.
The church’s great apostle Peter, in his 1st letter to the early Christians, he wrote:
“That the trial of your faith being more precious than gold that is perishable even tho tested by fire may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Altho you have not seen Him, you love Him. Even tho you do not see Him now yet You rejoice w/ an undescribable and glorious joy, as you attain the goal of your faith, which is the salvation of your soul. (1Peter1:7-9)
The yellow roses that she had asked for was her desire and hope for a greater happiness.
Today we offer these yellow roses as a symbol of the honor bestowed on her through her sufferings by our Lord. With our prayers we thank Jesus and we thank you Aunt Rose for life and your sufferings!
We extend our thanks to everyone for sharing yourselves with our family at a time of grief, yet we could not have done this if God had not loved us so much. The reason for all of us being here is the yellow Rose of forgiveness, tested in fire.
Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now and will be forever. Amen.
May 9th was Mother’s Day, Aunt Rose asked for 3 Yellow Roses from my cousin Mel. Hi my name is Raquel Rivera Ford; Mel and I are just 2 of Aunt Rose’s 18 nieces. Aunt Rose also has 18 nephews. Big family, huh? And she was the youngest of 9 children. Altho Aunt Rose was single she took care of lots of little nephews and nieces, most of whom are gathered here tonight. By the way, Mel never gave her the Yellow roses she had asked for: There weren’t any to be found.
Around that time in May she was going thru a rough period. The physical symptoms of nausea, vomiting, pain, shortness of breath, loss of weight, and loss of appetite, all these she managed quite bravely. It is the other symptoms: fear, the pain of leaving her precious great nephews and nieces, her work at the county, and what about the children back in the Philippines whom she is paying tuition for school? All these were uncertainties of her future, and most especially not knowing whether when and how she is going to die, or whether her soul is spiritually ready. All these thoughts she takes with her in her sleep each lonely day, in the endless dark nights of her soul.
I remember Aunt Rose, as she tries to show up for any of our family gatherings. We know she will always be late because she never takes the freeway. The thought of driving the sidestreets from Glendale to Torrance or Redondo Beach where the celebration might be is enough suffering for that matter not to mention that she has to leave her house earlier than most of us. So even if she is late she is already forgiven!
She asked for a yellow rose last Mother’s Day. . The color Yellow speaks of trial and purging. From the color yellow we find its counterpart in the principles of gold. Fire which is always used in the purification process also
comes in the category of yellow.
The church’s great apostle Peter, in his 1st letter to the early Christians, he wrote:
“That the trial of your faith being more precious than gold that is perishable even tho tested by fire may prove to be for praise, glory, and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Altho you have not seen Him, you love Him. Even tho you do not see Him now yet You rejoice w/ an undescribable and glorious joy, as you attain the goal of your faith, which is the salvation of your soul. (1Peter1:7-9)
The yellow roses that she had asked for was her desire and hope for a greater happiness.
Today we offer these yellow roses as a symbol of the honor bestowed on her through her sufferings by our Lord. With our prayers we thank Jesus and we thank you Aunt Rose for life and your sufferings!
We extend our thanks to everyone for sharing yourselves with our family at a time of grief, yet we could not have done this if God had not loved us so much. The reason for all of us being here is the yellow Rose of forgiveness, tested in fire.
Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now and will be forever. Amen.
TODAY I BECAME A CITIZEN OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
My appointment calendar says:
US Citizenship, 1pm
1201 S. Figueroa
Los Angeles, CA
Feb 3rd, 2006 – Today I was sworn in as a citizen of the United States of America, in a ceremony held at the Los Angeles Convention Center @ 1pm. There was a total of 8,032 new citizens today, 4006 were sworn in this morning and 4,026 people in the afternoon, making us the newest US citizens of the week.
The well-deserved military service personnel/applicants were given the front row seats in this huge arena. In front of them was the stage and a gigantic American flag floating up the rafters. All the would-be citizens in the middle area of the huge arena, while families and friends were all hustled in the back. Each one of us was given a Manila envelope filled with: a small, madi-in-china plastic American flag for you to wave for the camera, and as souvenir perhaps. There were passport application and voter registration forms, and a letter from President George W. Bush.
The area where I lined up was directed to sit at an aisle close to the back. Scanning the horizon, I saw my brother Tony, who is an Immigration Officer so I hollered, “Antonio!” twice and he looked up. He smiled and was a bit surprised to see me there. Unfortunately, he has to keep people moving as part of his job.He later came towards my seat to congratulate me and asked if Brian was around, which I replied that he was in the back.
The ceremony was obligatory with the judge present through the oath of allegiance and the national anthem. President Bush’s speech was good but this song really touched my heart, a song that told the reality of all my 20 years in the United States of America.
GOD BLESS THE USA, by Lee Greenwood
“If tomorrow all the things were gone I’d worked for all my life,
And I had to start again with just my children and my wife.
I’d thank my lucky stars to be living here today,
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom and they can’t take that away.
And I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land: God bless the U.S.A.
From the lakes of Minnesota, to the hills of Tennessee,
across the plains of Texas, from sea to shining sea,
From Detroit down to Houston and New York to LA,
Well, there’s pride in every American heart, and it’s time to stand and say:
I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land: God bless the U.S.A. “ (2x)
So there you have it. Twenty years and 6 days of giving up my children. I end up with no children around. Brian gave me a sleeve for my Naturalization Certificate as his gift, took my picture, and stood by me.
The other noteworthy information we were told today was the top 5 nationalities that applied for citizenship last year were: (in the order of the most applicants)
1. Mexicans
2. Filipinos
3. Vietnamese
4. Chinese
5. Iranian
I hoped and prayed the song also touched the hearts of the newly naturalized American citizens, most especially the ones from Iran, as they must have seen the handwriting on the wall. (Book of Daniel)
My appointment calendar says:
US Citizenship, 1pm
1201 S. Figueroa
Los Angeles, CA
Feb 3rd, 2006 – Today I was sworn in as a citizen of the United States of America, in a ceremony held at the Los Angeles Convention Center @ 1pm. There was a total of 8,032 new citizens today, 4006 were sworn in this morning and 4,026 people in the afternoon, making us the newest US citizens of the week.
The well-deserved military service personnel/applicants were given the front row seats in this huge arena. In front of them was the stage and a gigantic American flag floating up the rafters. All the would-be citizens in the middle area of the huge arena, while families and friends were all hustled in the back. Each one of us was given a Manila envelope filled with: a small, madi-in-china plastic American flag for you to wave for the camera, and as souvenir perhaps. There were passport application and voter registration forms, and a letter from President George W. Bush.
The area where I lined up was directed to sit at an aisle close to the back. Scanning the horizon, I saw my brother Tony, who is an Immigration Officer so I hollered, “Antonio!” twice and he looked up. He smiled and was a bit surprised to see me there. Unfortunately, he has to keep people moving as part of his job.He later came towards my seat to congratulate me and asked if Brian was around, which I replied that he was in the back.
The ceremony was obligatory with the judge present through the oath of allegiance and the national anthem. President Bush’s speech was good but this song really touched my heart, a song that told the reality of all my 20 years in the United States of America.
GOD BLESS THE USA, by Lee Greenwood
“If tomorrow all the things were gone I’d worked for all my life,
And I had to start again with just my children and my wife.
I’d thank my lucky stars to be living here today,
‘Cause the flag still stands for freedom and they can’t take that away.
And I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land: God bless the U.S.A.
From the lakes of Minnesota, to the hills of Tennessee,
across the plains of Texas, from sea to shining sea,
From Detroit down to Houston and New York to LA,
Well, there’s pride in every American heart, and it’s time to stand and say:
I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free.
And I won’t forget the men who died, who gave that right to me.
And I’d gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today.
‘Cause there ain’t no doubt I love this land: God bless the U.S.A. “ (2x)
So there you have it. Twenty years and 6 days of giving up my children. I end up with no children around. Brian gave me a sleeve for my Naturalization Certificate as his gift, took my picture, and stood by me.
The other noteworthy information we were told today was the top 5 nationalities that applied for citizenship last year were: (in the order of the most applicants)
1. Mexicans
2. Filipinos
3. Vietnamese
4. Chinese
5. Iranian
I hoped and prayed the song also touched the hearts of the newly naturalized American citizens, most especially the ones from Iran, as they must have seen the handwriting on the wall. (Book of Daniel)
OF CHILDHOOD AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
1990, Hawthorne, CA - Tears uncontrollably welled from my eyes as I opened up to my mother how I had carried my life’s trash for 35 years. It was a very heavy burden, but I got to unload it to her that day, my personal trash day. Flashback to childhood ….
No, my parents are not divorced; however, I remember as a child of 7 or 8, my mother tells me that when she leaves my father, she will not take me, and I have to go with my father. She will take with her my three younger siblings, but not me. Meanwhile, I waited for my father to ‘allow’ me to go with him if mom leaves. Over time, I was convinced he was ‘henpecked.’ Papa never said anything to me.
I don’t remember crying after these “life’s little conversations”; I remembered I always became quiet. When you are a kid there’s not much to say, you just wait and wait and wait until you grow up. You are not allowed to make any decisions. Life for me was always expendable, like you were at a precipice all the time.
What eventually happened to my life was a mess! Here I am, recently divorced from a husband of 8 years, half of those years, I was working abroad, in Oman with a very meager salary, to support 3 children and a husband. My husband then, my children’s father, cared for our kids. I’ve been in the US for 4 years now, hiding behind “bought” social security ID’s to be able to work. Note: My social security number belongs to me, however, because the card says “not to be used for work purposes”, so I can’t apply for a job with that statement in my SS card. And I badly needed a visa to continue to stay here in America. What to do? Consequently, I’d manipulated to adjust my immigration status and to permanently stay in the country, by agreeing to marry a loser of a guy interested in me. Without ever knowing this person’s character, I only thought this was an easier way to solve my problem. The mess with the kids can be dealt with later! I fell into ‘my precipice’, but I didn’t notice. Aaaaaaaagh!
More embarrassments later, on the eve of my supposed to be “wedding day”, I found out that this guy was so full of vice and so flawed in character, I cancelled the wedding and vowed to be patient with myself… What about my kids?
Zapped back to reality, I was stunned by my mother’s reaction to what I just told her, that I did not appreciate growing up very unsure of so many things; that most of my blunders were the results of my life’s uncertainties. All of the pain that I had caused my own children are borne of the pain that I had as a child. And now I can’t undo it anymore. I saw my mother cry. Was this tear for me? I never saw her breakdown so it was difficult for me to see her tears. But there was a redeeming quality to this day. That day I grew up. That day I shed my indecisive ways. My parents cannot hurt me anymore. I have forgiven them. I’ve forgiven myself.
Yes, my parents did not get divorced; but from a child’s perspective, they could very well have been. Love would have given me the surest footing, the surest foundation. When confronted by the abyss of rejection, I could not focus on growing up. There’s only the thought of falling off the cliff. At this point, I knew I have to be my own parent. And pray, pray, pray….
No, my parents are not divorced; however, I remember as a child of 7 or 8, my mother tells me that when she leaves my father, she will not take me, and I have to go with my father. She will take with her my three younger siblings, but not me. Meanwhile, I waited for my father to ‘allow’ me to go with him if mom leaves. Over time, I was convinced he was ‘henpecked.’ Papa never said anything to me.
I don’t remember crying after these “life’s little conversations”; I remembered I always became quiet. When you are a kid there’s not much to say, you just wait and wait and wait until you grow up. You are not allowed to make any decisions. Life for me was always expendable, like you were at a precipice all the time.
What eventually happened to my life was a mess! Here I am, recently divorced from a husband of 8 years, half of those years, I was working abroad, in Oman with a very meager salary, to support 3 children and a husband. My husband then, my children’s father, cared for our kids. I’ve been in the US for 4 years now, hiding behind “bought” social security ID’s to be able to work. Note: My social security number belongs to me, however, because the card says “not to be used for work purposes”, so I can’t apply for a job with that statement in my SS card. And I badly needed a visa to continue to stay here in America. What to do? Consequently, I’d manipulated to adjust my immigration status and to permanently stay in the country, by agreeing to marry a loser of a guy interested in me. Without ever knowing this person’s character, I only thought this was an easier way to solve my problem. The mess with the kids can be dealt with later! I fell into ‘my precipice’, but I didn’t notice. Aaaaaaaagh!
More embarrassments later, on the eve of my supposed to be “wedding day”, I found out that this guy was so full of vice and so flawed in character, I cancelled the wedding and vowed to be patient with myself… What about my kids?
Zapped back to reality, I was stunned by my mother’s reaction to what I just told her, that I did not appreciate growing up very unsure of so many things; that most of my blunders were the results of my life’s uncertainties. All of the pain that I had caused my own children are borne of the pain that I had as a child. And now I can’t undo it anymore. I saw my mother cry. Was this tear for me? I never saw her breakdown so it was difficult for me to see her tears. But there was a redeeming quality to this day. That day I grew up. That day I shed my indecisive ways. My parents cannot hurt me anymore. I have forgiven them. I’ve forgiven myself.
Yes, my parents did not get divorced; but from a child’s perspective, they could very well have been. Love would have given me the surest footing, the surest foundation. When confronted by the abyss of rejection, I could not focus on growing up. There’s only the thought of falling off the cliff. At this point, I knew I have to be my own parent. And pray, pray, pray….
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